Saturday, 10 June 2006

The unlaid plans of Mike and Ben or How I learned to stop worrying and love the World Cup

Guide to not worrying:

Focus all your frustrations on the pathetic foibles of the commentators. Two games on ITV later. Oh my god, I think my brain is going to explode.

And on with the show:

Right. Have now lost three stone since the start of February. On my early morning walk I tried a bit of jogging. Emphasis on the 'bit'. Not sure how long I lasted, I suspect it was under two minutes. I don't understand the jogging bit. I think I was going too fast, not a sprint, but definately a run rather than a jog. I get the impression that if I slow it down to a job it will the equivalent of a plane not going fast enough to stay in the air and my body will stall.
In the mean time... I'm thinking about joining a gym but I'm worried about paying £20+ per month to use the exercise bikes and I'm not buying one in case I have to move fairly soon. I think I'll just up the walking again instead.
All of which should be a blessed relief while three games are on each day during the first two weeks of the World Cup. Lengthy walk in the morning. Sofa action in the afternoon and evening.
And to exercise my hands I'll be keeping a firm grip on the remote control and testing my reflexes. Anytime someone from ITV tries to speak, mute goes on. Pre-match and half-time, change channel or get up and do something else (carpet needs cleaning, yikes!). Post-match? Well, I think I'll try making my own mind up. I'm a grown man, I can concoct my own opinions, thank you very much, using the evidence placed in front of me by the miracle of television.
Listen to the pundits? Christ, that's as bad as listening to a phone-in. Just think, a world without Garth Crooks, Clive Tydlesly (don't know how to spell your surname and I'm certainly not going to demean myself by looking it up and Clive your Telegraph column is poor as well, why do any research when you can write about the same two or three teams all the time?), Gaby Whatherface, Ally McCoist, Boring Boring Shearer, Lineker (is he stupid, arrogant or merely homophobic?) and the rest.
Makes me wish I had Sky Sports so I could watch the West Indies vs India Test Match whilst listening to the football in Radio 5live (stupid name, reasonable commentators).
Failing that, I'll go and get a life.