Standard measurements update

For many years the English have had standard measurement units.

Something pretty big is described at being the size of (or a multiple of) a London bus. This is also interchangeable with the whale.

Something really big is usually the size of (or a multiple of) Wales. This is never interchangeable with the whale.

Over the last eight days, a new measurement has been adopted. The inch. Whilst the inch has been a standard measurement of 2.54cms, it has now become whatever the hell we want it to be.

So, when someone says we've had four inches of snow overnight, what they mean is "I am look for a reason to stay indoors today". A modest dusting of snow automatically counts as two inches because it sounds more impressive. Under no circumstances whatsoever should these measurements ever be take accurately. The disappointment that follows will be crushing. Half an inch is nothing to write home about, especially if it's your reason for saying you're stuck in it.