And so the conversation turned

Bloody Christmas opening hours at the gym. Nine o'clock, nine o'clock? How dare these people have lives? Don't they know I'm not sleeping well and looking for something to do at 7 each morning.
Although speaking as someone who has worked the Christmas rush (in my distant youth I must admit) I do have every sympathy. Funny how we can build a society in which someone must always be working, someone is always at our beck and call, to clean up our problems and make our lives easier, wet nurses to us all.
But I digress (and why shouldn't I? Haven't I earned that right? Or have I earnt that right?) Anyway Christmas is nearly through and even GMTV have started wishing their viewers a Happy New Year instead. Gosh. It's almost gone. We're nearly back to normal or whatever version of reality constitues normality in your eyes.
A few weeks back I started getting the same symptons that put me in hospital in 2005. For a while it was agony. Imagine not being able to sleep because every time you rest your head you start to choke. And then consider that the repeat visits of heart failure seem to be the ones that kill. How organised was I with the list of phone numbers I took into hospital? How scared did the very junior doctor look as she told me that it did indeed sound like the first stages of heart failure? She did have a startled bunny countenence to savour. But anyway the contradiction was that the tests were clear but the symptoms were not. My own doctor knew the problem and sorted it fairly quickly once I got to see him. And the situation has returned to normal (it appears it was merely a lung infection but I'm still not sleeping although the choking has gone, I guess it's a mental thing now). The funny thing was that for the second time in my life I was preparing myself to die. The first time I knew it was a distinct possibility. But the second time was worse. Imagine dedicating a year of your life to something and it still turns out shit. Try it. Go on. See what I mean. The funny thing was that when I came out of hospital I went back to my flat, got my gym "kit" and went to find an exercise bike. At four a.m. I thought I was going to die. At six a.m. I had heart failure. At eight a.m. I was on the bike. Perhaps I knew all along it wasn't as serious as the junior doctor thought. Perhaps. But perhaps I am so determined to put right the mistakes of my past that I am prepared to push myself to the limits. Perhaps I want to overcome the stupid, pathetic laziness that engulfed me and consequently if I do push myself too hard and unravel it all then at least I will be able to say that I tried. At least I will be able to say I did something rather than nothing, rather than wait and see.
The gym opens in twenty minutes. I'm off to do some stretching before the stroll along the river.
Better to die of something rather than nothing.
Useful Simpsons quote: "They say she died of a burst ventricle but I know she died of broken heart."

All present and correct

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Phew.
Shibboleth

When you walk with the animals, talk with the animals...

I feel smug. I should too, all Christmas presents bought and wrapped a week ago. They're pretty good as well and only one was bought over the Internet so at least I've given myself the gift of human interaction this year. Ahhh, bless.
I feel slightly vindicated. I have a season ticket to Crystal Palace Football Club. I have missed six home games this year including the last four before last night's fog fest. I can't say I missed much. For reference, two of the four I was on my "Gadding and Gallivanting Around Places I Used To Live Tour, 2006" and for the next two I was quite ill having not really been up to the gadding and gallivanting etc. But that's fine because last night I very nearly didn't go and having gone and suffered through a foggy one-nil win to find that my weakened circulation had virtually stopped I was able to claim some bizarre sort of moral superiority. I was right not to go to the other games because, face it, we're not that good so I didn't miss much. But having gone, I suffered badly. It's a funny old game.
I feel odd. One week ago I was having the best night of my life. And I know circumstances mean that we haven't been in touch since I was kind of hoping that circumstances could be overcome. It turns out they can’t. And I guess they never will.
I feel better. Well better than I did midweek when out with another potential person of additional interest. But she didn't really. The good news is that now that I'm dead* I feel a lot happier about letting people down rather than chugging along for fear of upsetting anyone. The fact that I haven't done it yet is neither here nor there although it probably is somewhere but I don't think I can get here from there right now.
I feel vindicated. So this is Christmas, what have you done? Well, John let me see, I think I've changed most of the negative elements of my personality, lost 6.69 stone, 42.50 kilos or 93.69 lbs depending upon your weapon of choice and hauled this old ship around so convincingly that I fully expect 2007 to be as brilliant as 2005 was bad (2006 doesn't really count due to it's nature as a repositioning year). So if I hear Mr Lennon on the radio asking the question and then informing me that war is over merely because I so desire it then I will be able to declare that I am nearly ready to consider the salvation of the world due to my new found ability to save myself.

* Refers to previous illness and fact that in Oct 2005 I was so ill I now regard the morning I woke up in hospital as the day I died. There is some scientific evidence to back this point up so it's not simple self-pity. In fact it's the opposite because now, whenever I'm stuck in a moment that has the potential to re-establish my previous ways (dull, dull, dull) then I ask myself this, "Now that you're dead what are you going to do with your life?"

Key Phrases For All Spies in London in December

This is London calling.
The fog has lifted.
Repeat.
The fog has lifted.
The ferries are running.
Repeat.
The ferries are running.

The magic formula

Lunchtime meeting with a friend in a pub near Victoria Station
+ My tendency to get to pub early
+ My wanting to have a drink to help oil the brains over the complications of Saturday night and Sunday morning
Multiplied by my friends ability to turn up thirty minutes late
= drunk by two o'clock and posting bollocks on blog when back home by half three.

Nice pun, shame about the face

Beta blogger? I geddit. Sounds a bit like... Arf arf arf. Yeah, ok. But apart from that what is the point? Speaking as someone who is on beta blockers, I don't know how it is meant to be anything other than a trite play on words. The similarities end with the name.
As cheap and as shoddy as a tabloid newspaper. And we love it for exactly the same reason. Still at least the "profile views" seem to count each time the profile is viewed (unlike before) however it doesn't appear to count unique views. Not that I care. If I have a really boring day I might be able to view my profile a couple of thousand times. Man, I'll never get tired of seeing that counter go up one at a time.

Ok, huddle up

Let's recap.
Words only have the meaning you give to them. Meanings change. One man meat is another man's murder. I know this and I know that the sentimental drivel that passes for 95% of pop music is simply a series of vaguely connected words hastily arranged into a form that scans and suits the not-so randomly written notes. I'm quite happy to admit that I probably like a reasonable percentage of the 95% of pop music that qualifies as sentimental drivel but I know that no one is speaking to me about my life, no one is speaking for me.
So why is it that I'm getting all misty when listening to "There is a light that never goes out" and "Let it be". It's not that they're deep and meaningful. I mean, "Let it be". Let it be what you blithering idiot. Let it be an unfinished sentence? And the thought of the world's least sexual man giving out romantic pearls of wisdom (I'm talking Morrisey here, not McCartney. Although now I come to think of it...) sends shivers.
I'm intelligent. I know these songs (sorry about this) say nothing to me about me life. It's just that at this sentimental time of the year I'm allowing myself to think that these songs are saying something to me about my life. Only I'm not quite sure what they're saying other than (sorry again) I want the one I can't have and it's driving me mad. Are the songs helping me to cope with this? No, but it wont stop me projecting.
But if words only have the meaning you give to them then I'm giving these words too important a meaning and I really should stop.

Let us not beat around the bush here

CAUTION: This posting may actually contain beating around bush and a distinctly high level of waffling and not getting to the point.

You get two people together who want to be together. But circumstances stand in the way. Life gets in the way and not in a "two houses divided" manner, not in an "already in another relationship" kind of way. In a "circumstances make things really complicated" kind of way because of where you live, what you do and where you're going. When you think you know that this is someone you really want to be with and you have a great time with them but you know you'll only ever get to see them once a month, twice a month at most, that work will always get in the way for all manner of reasons that you cannot possibly begin to imagine.
I may have said this before but life is shit. It's shit because it's linear. I guess I need more time. I'd like to have some time back please. I'd like to be in one of those crappy movies where minds or bodies switch. I'd like to have my current shape/weight/frame/state of mind in my mid twenties body. Maybe early. If anyone knows of a god/Hollywood studio who can do that for me, I'd like to be told. But then the circumstances would never have occurred and I think I like my life to be complicated after all.
You think you're confused, try it from where I'm sitting. All kinds of walls have been pulled down that should not have been pulled down and I am officially the most confused person in town.
Right, where were we?

Riding the Woolwich Express

I have a Freeview box. The gym to which I have recently been attending on a regular and dedicated basis has all of the Sky Sports channels. It is, therefore, no surprise that at 7am this morning I was in the gym preparing to saddle up on an exercise bike in front of Sky Sports One to watch the cricket. Seemed to be more productive than lying in bed listening to the radio, trying to work out if England were doing better when I was lying on my left or my right side.
Sadly, the gym opens at 8am tomorrow by which stage the match will either be over (and the Ashes with it) or Australia will have batted us out of the game so convincingly that watching will be unbearable.
On the upside, I managed an hour on the bike and twenty six kilometres. I don't know if that's good or bad but it seemed pretty decent to me.

Stare not at your navel lest the fluff stares back

Last effort at self-analysis before moving on:

He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146

Old Friedrich's got a bad reputation, gained from those who misused his work. But it seems to me that this quote says more about how I used to be.
Screw navel gazing.
Just get on with it.

It's not just weight you loose

it's money too. Think about it, with a whopping eight inches of the waist there's little I wear now that I was wearing three months ago, let alone twelve. And tonight I realised that I needed something "smart casual" in order to go out tomorrow night. Now the weight is stablising, it's time to spend, spend, spend. It'll be worth it, right? I'll find out tomorrow night.

Look, the picture in the profile is slightly out of date.

And very far away. And rather indistinct.
Anyway, here's me wearing my 1994 Rag Week T-shirt!!! It didn't fit me in 1994. It's fits now. That says a lot. As does the fact that I've still got it when it hasn't fitted for 12 years and it was all I did during Rag in the first place.



On the other hand, I may have updated the picture in the profile by the time you read this. In which case just pretend you haven't read this.

Hello. Are you still here?

Well it has been a long time, hasn't. I expect you thought I got lost. Well before I get totally back into the swing of things I'll lay down some highlights of the last six months.
God, Crystal Palace are awful at the moment.
My nephew is doing much better than Crystal Palace.
As indeed am I.
6 and one quarter stones lost since 1st February 2006. 6 and a quarter. Go measure that out in bags of sugar.
Not working but I reckon I'm nearly bag to full health. I'm certainly nearly back to full mental health, most of the time. Well, that's enough of this frivolity for the moment. More will inevitably follow. And it probably wont take six months.
Honest.

Your feet are the gateway to the soul

And my gates are in an awful state.
Turns out I'm not quite fit enough yet. And I think it's a bit more than twelve miles. At least I hope so because including diversions in Deptford (not well sign posted) it took four hours twenty to walk to London Bridge. At that point my body had just about given up.
The beta-blockers are really doing their job, the average heart rate was 97 with the highest being 107. Without the drugs it would extremely high (still doesn't make this kind of walk a good idea though). Walking back from the station to the flat (around 25 very long minutes indeed) the average heart rate was 109 and the highest being 127. Weird.
Anyway, I may bore myself with some other details about the walk later. For now, I'm going to soak my feet. Again.

Windows are dangerous things

Well, kind of.
As part of my recovery I've been building up the walking. I suppose it's an attempt to force the weight off. So far it's involved going east, to Crossness a couple of times (and routes along the way) and Beckton today (which technically involved going west to start with and of course if you go east then you have to come west to get home and anyway technically Crossness and Beckton are variants of north-east from here).
Tomorrow I think I'll check out the fitness levels. Tomorrow morning, early, very early, I'm going to head for one of the sights visable from my living room window. Tomorrow I'll walk to the London Eye. Should only be about twelve miles. At current speeds it should only take me between three and four hours.
Living next to the river (albeit a cheaper part of it) has made me slightly obsessed by it, by travelling on or alongside it. I've just been looking at a website of a man who has attempted to create a Dave Gorman style challenge to walk the length of the path, setting down rules for the journey but the last two stages remain incomplete (and the website hasn't been updated for two years). Perhaps he got bored. Perhaps I will too.

This is now.

And England (soon to officially change our nation's name to Engerland) have finally struggled past mighty Trinidad and Tobago. We huffed and we puffed and we finally blew in the house of paper. Only took about eighty five minutes for the love of god (small g deliberate).
And in contrast to ten years ago, the flats all around are alive with the sound of cheering. Loud and sustained too. Even now I can hear a distant stero blaring out 'Vindaloo' (those of you not from our fair isle might wish to research Fat Les on Google/Wikipedia/iTunes and the like).
In fact virtually every goal in the competition has been cheered so far although it is somewhat heart warming (in a one-dimensional male kind of way) that England is extremely well supported in what is a culturally diverse area.
Now if only we had a team that reflected this level of support...

That was then...

Ten years ago I was living in Glasgow. For those of you who don't remember, ten years ago the European Championships were being held in England (ah the irony). When it got to the semi-final my street, Langside Road, roared in collective excitement when Southgate missed the all important penalty in the all important penatly shoot out and Germany progressed to the final. Scotland loved it. I resolved to leave.
That said, I was fairly loud in celebration of Shearer's early goal. It was probably revenge. Even my tub of Sommerfield's strawberry ice-cream and all the Marlboro light's in the world (plus one or two other things, cough, cough, fear not I don't do that sort of thing anymore) weren't going to pick me up.

Right, now the picture thing really is back up and running

This is my nephew, Ben. Tomorrow he will be two months old, no one expected him to live for an hour. He is my little miracle (well, actually my brother and his wife's but you get the idea).

My role in his life is minimal so far. Due to my illness and his we have not been able to meet up. I'm not able to go to Armagh from London just yet and strangely, Ben hasn't learnt to drive yet. Still, the one contribution I have made is to supply him with enough Crystal Palace kits to see him through his first year.
Look kid, if you end up hating football, I will understand. If you end up loving football but hating Crystal Palace, well lets just say that we've all been there.

There is something self-fulfilling about dressing up children in football kits but as the song sung by a gay icon and adapted by some many burly football fans, que sera sera. He will make his own mind and my brother and I can only try to influence his choice for the best. But for those of us amazed and thrilled that he's alive at all, what will be, will be and two months on we should all be happy about that.

Although it only took 30 minutes

to go from
to this
Mind you, even on that first one, central London is obscured by the rain clouds drawing in. It's almost back to normal although the Eye is still obscured. Just.

Another quiet day by the river

Yeah, if I bought that I'd be cross too

"Is it worth it?" once asked Elvis Costello. "Der dum de dum di di dum, it's just a rumour that's been spread around town, somebody said that people get killed in the results of their shipbuilding."
"Why?" I hear you ask. "I have no idea," I reply.
But once thing worries me about the strange rise of World Cupitis. And it's the George Cross, the England flag. I don't mind people buying it and displaying it. What I genuinely don't understand is why people who claim to be so patriotic need to have the Geroge Cross that has England written across it in large letters. We know. We understand. We live in the country. We know what the flag is. Buy the one that actually is the flag. And don't get the ones that have a sponsor (ie the Sun or the News of the World) or the name of the shop writ large upon it (JJB being the main culprit here).
This has pointlessly troubled me since, that rare creature, the Olympic medal winning English athlete, instead of reaching for the union flag, goes for the Geroge Cross from a spectator who bought it in the sports supermarket advertised in the bottom right hand corner of the self-same flag. National pride? I think not.

Good flag (well, within reason)
Bad flag
Very naughty flag

It's a good job I'm ill

The great quest is but a few minutes away from starting. I have bought a desk, a cheap desk, a self-assembly desk but a desk that the store said can only be delivered. It will turn up today. I was given a time. Well, in truth it could be any time between 8 and 6.
So, today I shall sit and wait. And wait. And wait. And time my trips to the toilet very carefully.
Wish me luck.

Dear Mr Blogspot

Any chance of letting me post some pictures? They're really nice ones. Go on. Please?

Well, obviously, you know, I mean...

I know it was hot out there but we'll try not to let it affect the blog, obviously. Spirit is like, you know, high in the camp and we'll put our difficulties behind us as we've got fifty posts in the bag. It don't matter how you get there, getting there is the key thing.
Now, if you don't mind I'm suffering from World Cup Fatigue, a worrying illness which prevents the sufferer from being able to concentrate fully on three football matches per day. I spent most of the Netherlands - Serbia & Montenegro game putting up curtains in the living room. And an entire match later I still can't decide whether or not to pull them down and start all over again.
The only known cures for this illness is to spend an hour watching Space 1999 on ITV4 (Seriously, are their channels breeding? ITV4 is basically the spawn of Lou Grade thirty years on. ITV4? ATV4 more like. Ah, those were the days) and three hours in the sun.
I tried the sun option this morning walking from here to there to buy the bloody curtains. I took the Thames Path away from Woolwich (and that's a good thing I hear you say) and towards Thamesmead (and that's no so good). In fact the Path is fantastic, especially early on a Sunday morning (all right before 10). Even when it gets to the much loathed Thamesmead, the buildings aren't as disasterous as one is led to believe although they are startingly unorignal. And at the least the Path itself is as wide there as it is anywhere else along the river. The Thames was quite this morning and although it is a working section of water it seemed calm and beautiful. I prefer it around here with its wide open stretches, low rise buildings (if any) and long views all around.
From here to there meant going to Crossness (three miles) to kill the time before the shops opened, and back to the shops (Argos! Please don't judge me by my cheapness, it has a reason) before taking the long way round back to the Thames.
So, if there is a point it's this:
Space 1999 is as rubbish as everyone belives. Thamesmead might not be. The World Cup takes more energy to watch than to play.
One of those might be inaccurate. In the best traditions of modern television, I'll let you decide.

The unlaid plans of Mike and Ben or How I learned to stop worrying and love the World Cup

Guide to not worrying:

Focus all your frustrations on the pathetic foibles of the commentators. Two games on ITV later. Oh my god, I think my brain is going to explode.

And on with the show:

Right. Have now lost three stone since the start of February. On my early morning walk I tried a bit of jogging. Emphasis on the 'bit'. Not sure how long I lasted, I suspect it was under two minutes. I don't understand the jogging bit. I think I was going too fast, not a sprint, but definately a run rather than a jog. I get the impression that if I slow it down to a job it will the equivalent of a plane not going fast enough to stay in the air and my body will stall.
In the mean time... I'm thinking about joining a gym but I'm worried about paying £20+ per month to use the exercise bikes and I'm not buying one in case I have to move fairly soon. I think I'll just up the walking again instead.
All of which should be a blessed relief while three games are on each day during the first two weeks of the World Cup. Lengthy walk in the morning. Sofa action in the afternoon and evening.
And to exercise my hands I'll be keeping a firm grip on the remote control and testing my reflexes. Anytime someone from ITV tries to speak, mute goes on. Pre-match and half-time, change channel or get up and do something else (carpet needs cleaning, yikes!). Post-match? Well, I think I'll try making my own mind up. I'm a grown man, I can concoct my own opinions, thank you very much, using the evidence placed in front of me by the miracle of television.
Listen to the pundits? Christ, that's as bad as listening to a phone-in. Just think, a world without Garth Crooks, Clive Tydlesly (don't know how to spell your surname and I'm certainly not going to demean myself by looking it up and Clive your Telegraph column is poor as well, why do any research when you can write about the same two or three teams all the time?), Gaby Whatherface, Ally McCoist, Boring Boring Shearer, Lineker (is he stupid, arrogant or merely homophobic?) and the rest.
Makes me wish I had Sky Sports so I could watch the West Indies vs India Test Match whilst listening to the football in Radio 5live (stupid name, reasonable commentators).
Failing that, I'll go and get a life.

Garth Crooks

As much ability for "post-match" interviews as Sally "How do you feel?" Gunnell. The BBC continues to employ this Yoda wannabe. Today's gem? A poor second half performance from England and although Paraguay never really threatened it all got a bit tense and nervous. So, Garth has quite a period of time to prepare his questions, to think of something intelligent to ask, possibly about tactics or motivational techniques. And what do we get?

"The Trinidad and Tobago game is a must win game. Will you be looking for a better performance?"

Er, back to the studio for some analysis. What the fuck do you think Garth? You talentless free-loading bastard. Thanks to the unique way the BBC is funded you have been gifted a post-playing career. Can you actually learn how to do it properly?

Never Mind The Running Time, Here's The Ruler

Buy a film guide, such as Time Out's Film Guide and marvel at the thousands of pages and bitchy comments about films that you once thought were kind of all right really. Then let your imagination run away with you and leap from page to page looking at random entries.
Find a silent film. Look for the running time. In it's place is the length of the film in feet. So, The General is around 7500 feet. Try putting that on the poster. You'll be telling me next that they had no sound as well.
It interests me when people do things differently and it depresses me when something new takes on old fashioned characteristics. Take the ferry up to London. Tomorrow morning I'll board the 7:30 from Woolwich Arsenal Pier to London Bridge. Lots of other people will get there or further up the river. What will they do? Read a paper. Avoid eye contact with everyone else (except to scare them away from sitting anywhere near them), tut at those wearing something other than a suit and so on. All the conventions of the train adapted to the river. It's a new way of getting to work. We had a chance to do something different. We fucked it up.

Life is a sequence of trivial events

Worrying signs as I got my hair cut on Saturday. It was a barbers, a normal barbers although a hair cut now costs £9 and only a couple of years ago it was around £4-5. Two things I thought were strange. Firstly the barbers asked if he could trim my eyebrows. This I thought was a sure sign of aging. Fair enough, I thought, if I can compare the Arctic Cheeky Monkeys to Ian Dury than I am getting old.
Then the second strange event. He started massaging my scalp. And it went on for about three minutes. He threw lotion on my head and worked it around. It smelt ok, it felt ok. He muttered something about its effects but I was too deeply in shock to pick it up. Only at the till did the whole shebang become clear as he attempted to flog said lotion product on me.
I politely declined and walked away wistfully wondering where the days of cheap haircuts and something for the weekend, the whole wonderfully seedy world of barbers, had gone. And when it had been replaced by this regal refinement?
And since when did I start attempting alliteration?

For Amy Elizabeth Scowcroft (14/12/1920 - 20/05/2006)

Eulogy to be given at her funeral - 30/05/2006.

It is impossible to talk through a rich life of eighty five years so I hope you’ll forgive me if I engage in primarily personal reflections. I thought I’d try to explain how important Nana was in my life but that’s bit of an impossible task as well. As I set about preparing this I realised, more clearly than ever before, the depth of her influence.

And as I can no longer tell her, I’m going to tell you.

It is a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars. And Nana bore a few scars. For most of us here it will be impossible to think of Nana without thinking of her husband as well. That’s just the way it was, even death was unable to separate them.

My grandfather died before my second birthday and I have no memory of him. To be honest, this makes it hard for me to have the emotional attachment others do. But over the last thirty one years, Nana built up a fairly complete mental picture for me. Her devotion to him remained as strong in 2006 as it was on the day they married. It saddened her that she lived 31 years without him but in all that time she remained loyal, faithful and committed to their marriage.

Barely a visit to her house passed without some memory of Pop being mentioned, and mentioned in a touching way. And through her he attained a kind of immortality. The future is always rooted in the past and though Nana is now a part of our past, through us she too will attain immortality.

Nana knew that technology would play an increasingly important role in our lives. And I think that Paul and I helped to complete the circle when, on what turned out to be her deathbed, I was able to play her a film of her first great-grandchild through my laptop, a film that Paul had recorded and sent over from Northern Ireland shortly before.

She was thrilled by the film of little Ben because it made her feel young again and she felt better knowing that the Scowcroft name had moved on another generation. She was also thrilled that we had a firm enough grasp of the various technologies involved to be able to show her the film at all. After all, it was a process she started for us.

Back in 1982 she had bought us our first computer. It was a tool to help us learn and grapple with the technology to come. In truth, we should have spent more time using it to conjugate French verbs or understand Venn diagrams but I hope she understood that these 10 and 12 year old boys were more interested in the exciting world of football and cricket computer games.

And here we are in 2006 and I know that IT is a huge part of my work. Part of the A level course I teach is about technology and its development and thanks to Nana’s foresight I have been able to draw upon many personal experiences in the classroom.

Nana’s influence goes deeper still. In 1979 she promised me half of all her money if Labour won the general election. What prompted such a promise is lost in the midst of time. But try as I might there was only so much influence a child of infant school age can have upon the result of a general election. All I knew was that I didn’t get my money and now I had someone to blame.

This was reinforced the following year when through, and I love using this phrase, her contacts at the Ministry of Defence, she secured some excellent seats for the Trooping the Colour. So good, in fact, were these seats that to get to the right position we had to traipse past various Whitehall seats of power.

And so, aged seven, I was openly encouraged by Nana to engage in an act of terrorism as we walked past the front door of 10 Downing Street. Fortunately for democracy, our bags had already been searched and in the end we agreed that there was little a carton of orange juice and a cheese and pickle sandwich would do to alter the political status quo. In the end we simply booed quietly and strode on.

Once I was old enough to appreciate that no one believes in socialist ideals for the money, we often held lengthy discussions on politics. Although in truth this was mostly a means of winding dad up. The more he rolled his eyes at the mention of Ken Livingstone, the more we mentioned him.

And she also inspired a thirst for travel. She travelled to America long before it became fashionable. She ventured to the Middle East, to Israel and the Lebanon before the region fell apart again and she went to Russia while it was technically still impossible or at least impossible for anyone to travel in the opposite direction. But she went, not to gawp at other cultures but to learn from them.

Travel also made her appreciate her home and she could often be found up a ladder, painting, clearing gutters or felling trees. If a job needed doing she needed to do it herself. Although, in the end, this ruthless streak of independence caught up with her. And woe betide you if you tried to visit her on a Friday. Nothing was allowed to stand in the way of her Friday cleaning sessions. Mind you, you were not also not allowed to visit unannounced. You had to phone ahead for an invitation. I used to think I was visiting royalty.

Although her illness caused her pain and sadness, it provided some pleasure too. She was unable to use the tickets to the English National Ballet that I bought for her birthday. And, however much he went under sufferance, I know exactly how proud she was that her son felt it important enough to go in her place.

She was also incredibly proud that both her grandsons have ended up in the public sector as teachers because she was so incredibly proud of her own career in the civil service. There was a time when I thought seriously about following in her footsteps. I wanted to join the Foreign Office but by that stage I was struggling to conjugate verbs for my French A level and as a career it slipped out of view. But the principles of the public sector, the belief that as a family we had been treated well by our country, stayed with us. And so did the belief that those in such a fortunate position could give something back through their labours to help others. Hers was indeed a generous nature in both spirit and deed. And I can only try to live up to it.

I thought it only fair to ask my brother for his memories. He chose to emphasise her sense of humour, often wicked, blunt and honest but always with a touch of warmth. When Paul informed her that she was to be a great-grandmother, Nana replied “Well done, but it’s about time. You two are both Catholics, you should have had seven by now.”

Paul followed this up by writing:


Dear Nana,

Thank you for all that you have done for me. I am so glad that I got the opportunity to see you and say goodbye. I have many memories of being with you:-

The special Christmas cake,
Birthday pictures by the apple tree,
A white Mini,
Welsh Guards uniform,
The view over Croydon,
Mastermind,
Making tapes in your living room,
Washing and fixing a blue peddle car,
Crumpets and scrambled eggs,
Pressure cookers,
Reading tea leaves,
Lemon cake,
Telling Dad off again!,
Working at Oxfam,
Your smile on Wednesday 17th at seeing me and the new pictures of Ben.

All of these recollections I will treasure. They will remind me of you and I will tell Ben all about them so that he will know what kind of person his Great Grand Nan was.

Love always.

Paul.


It isn’t important whether you remember her as a mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, friend or benefactor. Whether she’s mum, Nana, Amy or Joan. A Scowcroft or a Davy. What’s important is that she meant something to us all.

As for me, I’ll remember her at odd times. If you turn right out of what, for me, will always be her house, you will see a wall of trees running up a hill. On the other side of that hill, about a mile away is Selhurst Park. And on alternate Saturdays during football seasons to come when Crystal Palace are underperforming as usual, I’ll look up from my seat and see the hill and I’ll remember the house on the other side. And I’ll remember the wonderful, warm, caring, generous, loyal lady who lived there throughout those crucial years of my life.

And I’ll say thank you.

No. No it isn't.

Bet you didn't see that coming.
Well it is a beautiful day and all the previous comments apply. Add to that the impending issue of Smoke (see links on the right hand side) which includes only my second published piece since various University pieces in a friend attempt at a lit. mag (I don't think I was listening to what he wanted to do and just wrote loads of really juvenille pieces including a series about a man who by day was a stupid, mild mannered Tory MP but by night was a stupid superhero called Parliament Man. Anyway, Smoke, it's really good. No actually it is.
But it's been a hectic week. Even if you take out the Dowie and AJ news (which to be honest, isn't really that important anyway) it's still be a push and a rush. My nephew has finally made it out of hospital! He's home which is fantastic news. But I'm still not up to the trip from London to Armagh to see him. Even with half-term approaching, the journey is too much for me in my current state. So it will have to wait until the summer.
My last remaining grandparent is no longer remaining and the cremation is on Tuesday, so | wouldn't have been able to go over anyway. It turns out that she had primary lung cancer and secondary bone cancer. She was quite literally falling apart. No wonder she wanted to die.
But in death comes hope. For in death she has enabled me to make some serious decisions about my own life. You know, the hardest part of visiting her in hospital was having a dying lady seem more concerned about my health than her own. And so I have to take her views into account and my inability to drag myself into work recently has proved that heart failure and large, unruly inner London secondary schools do not mix and as of 01/09/06 they will not mix. Thanks to my nan (once the will is sorted out) I will be able to take a year or two out and finish my MA. Thanks to my nan I will be able to have another go at living. Thanks to my nan I will hopefully be able to reasses and reorganise my life. Thanks to my nan I have got my life back, at least for a short while.
May she rest in peace.

Is that a rhetorical question?

The sun is shining. I've got the cricket on the radio, England are perofrming superbly as we have come to expect. A long weekend approaches. My weight is at a new record low (still another stone and a half to go before the big reveal though).
What could possibly be wrong on a day like today?

You can't see the other side, where they live

I thought I wouldn’t be around to watch the FA Cup Final today. I thought it might be the first I’d missed since 1986. But then I couldn’t work out if it was 1986 or 1989. I know I was with my mum sorting through grandma’s flat in Hailsham but 1986 is two years before she died and 1989 is one year after. But I know it was one of the Merseyside finals. One too soon. One too late.
Anyway, that thought reached totally immaterial status once cottoning onto the fact that having attended the 1990 final (and replay, bloody Mark Hughes/Les Sealy/Lee Martin/Allan Gunn etc), I was playing cricket in 1991 and football in 1992 (the Student Union should have known better). In 2001 I was at Lingfield Park and can remember very little about some of the others in between, striving for some form of twenty year significance with my last remaining grandparent struggling with nasty, virulent, terminal cancers.
But then I didn’t watch Wimbledon’s win. Or Coventry’s. And in 1985 I was playing cricket for Croydon Schools (very grand) against Sussex Schools at Sussex University (Mark Butcher was our captain, I opened the batting with him and took twenty minutes to get 0 before being bowled by one that barely skimmed the grass).
I guess it just doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not really a day that the neutrals care hugely about. And there’s more live football around the corner. I grew up watching Arsenal’s three straight finals (they lost two, hehehe) but that was when it meant something to watch a live game on television, when you were lucky to even see an England game outside of World Cups and European Championships.
It’s not an event anymore.
Nor is visiting hospital to see relatives in trouble.
I’ve done it too much recently, too many near death experiences (four in the family in just over two years, all different people, no deaths to speak of though). And now the near death experience is a nearly dead experience I find myself empty. Too many close calls and now an actual call. And my reaction? To be an emotional void. Is being practical and logical only possible by being detached?
Should I force myself to be visibly upset? Would that help others? Should you really get ready to grieve for a wonderful 85 year old lady when she has lived a long and fruitful live and now only seeks to die quickly and peacefully? To grieve when death would be a release seems a paradox to me, something designed to make me feel better. But what I want is for her to get what she wants. She wants to die.
It’s her time to go. Why so sad?
And if that's too depressing then here are a couple of pretty boats that went past the flat this week:

The fence is high and wide where we live.

Brief update on life in general.
And the baby is now doing fine. Out of his cot and soon to be in possession of his first two Palace kits (sad uncle thing, had to do it). Little Ben is, after two and a half weeks, out of his incubator and into his cot. Well done little man. And, considering he is one of us, he is a little man. He could make a footballer, hopefully a combative (yet skillful) midfielder. And if he plays in red and blue all the better.
But hey, I'm projecting again.
And my nan is still in hospital and up and down but looks like she'll live. Thought we were doing the one in, one out, thing. Turns out it's everybody still in.
Not sure about me though.
Having sorted out three days a week back at the ranch and been delighted by their attitude, I found I could only do two.
On top of everything else that has happened recently, even after six months on sick leave I am not ready to go back. And I think it is as much to do with where I work as me. I think I know that now.
Although it has taken me four days to get over working two. And I'm not sure it wont take at least another day or two. Which is a pity because those are the two I'm meant to be working.
Anyway, once I find a more interesting way to write all that down, I'll return.
Oh yeah, and (thanks to my decent pay and conditions) I'm now on half-pay (and that was not sarcastic). I appreciate the whole half-pay thing. What I'm not so keen on is having to dash half way across London to collect my half-pay in cash because some inept town clerk forgot to process my pay properly (she admitted it!), although it's hard to dash at that time of day, and then dash to find a bank to pay it into and panic about getting it in on time to pay the mortgage. That was a major load of stress and exertion my old ticker could have done without.
And so the point it, anything that could go wrong, seems to be going wrong for me. But then at least things are getting better elsewhere.
Ah, so conflicted.

The family that wees together, stays together

Well, well, well. Well, well, well. There are now four generations of this family on diuretic. What have we started. It's my dad's fault. He's been on them for about two years now. I followed last October. Ben (six days and counting) joined our club a couple of days ago. Today my nan went into hospital and wound up on the wonder of diuretics as well.
For those of you who don't know. They make you pass urine (oh, how posh was that?). With little Ben and I it's to get rid of excess fluid that the heart is unable to pump round the body and make useful. I think nan has something wrong with her heart as well now so it maybe that she needs them for the same reason.
I couldn't go see her today because of my diuretics. I went into work to sort out my timetable for next week, three days, gentle re-entry, they couldn't have been nicer, more than I expected. I got back to the flat around 11 o'clock and weighed myself. I was, get this, 6.7kgs higher than my lowest weight of one week ago. Think about that. Why is it so high? Well, the consultant suggested reducing the dose of diuretic. I did but for a couple of days only. Also I greatly increased the amount of "work" I was doing. Well, basically that means that I was seeing my nan twice a day, doing her housework, shopping and cooking for her and so on, caring for her while she starts to slip away. And while mum was away in Northern Ireland with my brother, his wife and their new born, I guess I spent a lot of time organising and looking after dad as well. And it was too much. It was all too much. My heart couldn't cope and if I'd kept it up I be back where I started.
So, without knowing that dad was at his mother's dialing 999, I was increase my dose and extracting the urine to extent of 6.2 kgs. Before I carry on I should say that as far as I know, the last I heard was that nan is comfortable. Hopefully dad will phone when he gets home. I'll head over in the morning.
When you piss 6.2 kgs worth of urine over six hours (and I do feel better for it), you can't go anywhere, seriously.
Where am I going with this? Well, I'm not sure. Perhaps it's that I'm not ready to do as much and if I want to live as active and full a life as my nan then I need to slow down now until I am ready. Perhaps I am simply trying to justify my reasons for not going to visit her today. But I promise I'll be there tomorrow.
So I am ready for a little work. But not a lot. And no lifting. Visiting only. Leave the hard work to others or the others will be visiting me.

Don't mind me

I'm just playing around. I've nothing better to do so I'm seeing if I can work out the HTML thingy. There may be a few slight changes while I get the feel of everything.
But the changes will only be slight. Or the whole thing will disappear. Now, now, don't all cheer at once.

Hank the DJ, Hank the DJ, Hank the DJ, Hank the DJ (repeat until funny)

What's in the news? Who cares? After all, if Hank the DJ plays songs that say nothing to me about my life, why should I care what's in the news? I have no opinion to give.
Ben's off the respirator. I have an opinion on that.
Middle East situation bad. I have no opinion on that.
The fluid seems to be off Ben's lungs and he's approaching a normal weight. I have an opinion on that.
My trade union, the NUT, attacks education policy and "cronyism". I have no opinion on that.
And neither should you.
Look about you, look at the things that happen in your life and try to make them better. Have an opinion on things you really care about, things that affect you directly, things that are central to your life. If it's isn't something you can touch then forget it, get a good night's sleep instead.
So far so good Ben. I'm sure Hank will play you whatever song you want when you are older. Choose well.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight (part two)

Click on the title to see my other blog for part one.


One dimension male time. Best way I could cope on Saturday was to drink way too much guiness before the match and then drunkenly shout "I love you Ben" everytime Palace midfielder Ben Watson got near the ball (he was superb again, his vision is amazing even if mine was a little blurred).
Of course it doesn't matter that we drew two all having led two nil. It hasn't mattered for a while to be honest. Since my brush with death and critical illness and now reaffirmed by Ben's desperate attemtps to cling to life, lots of things lack the importance they once had. Supporting Crystal Palace in particular is more about being with my friends and on Saturday it was about coping with my nephew's fight for life and with me being prevented from flying out to see him. I am Orville ladies and gentlemen and if the Americans and anyone under 30 thirty doesn't understand that cultural reference then I'm not about to explain the mysteries of a fluffy green ventriloquist's dummy.
Ben is making progress, fragile progress and has more tubes in him then is healthy. And each day he makes progress is a day's progress we didn't expect.
So I'll continue my transference of emotion to ease the pain, but that's fine. Right now I'm tired. Very, very tired. It's a good job Ben doesn't know the meaning of the word.

When there's nothing you can do, there's nothing you can do

APOLOGIES: am currently posting similar things on both my blogs, it's simply a way of using up time. If you read them you'll understand.

No further news on Ben yet. Apparently he wasn't expected to last past the hour so to be nearly six hours old is a good sign.
At times like this when loved ones are so far away and I'm on my own in the flat, sitting around waiting for calls, not a hope of getting any sleep, there's nothing better than switching on E4 to find that Ghostbusters is on, putting on the subtitles and playing Lyle Lovett's I Love Everybody.
For the sheer bear faced audacity, much needed when all seems lost I would like to nominate the following as the greatest song ever written for the next fifteen minutes.
Penguins by Lyle Lovett.
Thank you Lyle. In saying nothing you've said everything for me.
Come on Ben. Keep fighting.

Ben

The news isn't great. For lots of reasons I wont go into, my nephew's life may be short. I am thrilled that he is called Ben, a name I have favoured for a few months now. It's a shallow reason for favouring it. Well, one of the reasons anyway. Ben Watson, Crystal Palace midfielder, he's only twenty and is the most able player I've seen for some time and the player with the greatest potential too. I'll go to watch Ben play tomorrow against Crewe and I'll have to take my contact lenses out because I'll get stupidly emotional.
How is it possible to get so attached to something a couple of hours old? Is it the thought of losing it so soon?
I'll take some succour from seeing Ben Watson play tomorrow, pathetically linking my two Bens. The one with all the ability in the world and the other, well I just hope the other gets the chance to prove he has even a little ability in anything.
So I'll post up a couple of pictures of Ben Watson in the hope that I'll draw some strength from them. And I hope Ben is his brilliant self tomorrow in the hope that my nephew will somehow draw some strength from that.
Sleep well Ben. Fight hard Ben. Don't give up Ben. Be strong. There are many people who love you already whatever happens, who will always love you and I hope in years to come you'll read this and moan at my mawkishness. But then I don't know what else to do.

(taken from Empics - Ben I hope that one day you'll appreciate the image of your namesake stamping all over Robbie Savage)
(from www.cpfc.co.uk)

Guiness Interruptus

Note: posted this on my other blog which is primarily about music. It kind of seems to fit here as well so I'm putting it up. Follow up to be posted shortly.

So, the guiness thing did happen but only for a couple of hours and now I'm back at the flat waiting for a phone call. Big Bruv lives in Northern Ireland and today his wife went into hospital for an emergency c-section, a month ahead of time. It may be nothing serious, it may simply be a precaution but the distance between him and us has made everyone here jumpy and rushing around to find the quickest way to get there from here. With lines of communication stretched we are in the dark and hoping it's all for the best.
With my recent health problems I may not be going in a hurry and I hate that (sorry for turning this into something about me, it wasn't intentional).
On the way back from meeting friends in Greenwich the ipod did it's best to pound away miserable sounding songs, Such A Shame, The Masterplan, Say Something, The Harder They Come and so on. All of them seemingly inappropriate but then I remembered. They're just songs. They mean as much as a bag of chips or a really nice pen. The songs I write about on here do mean something to me, they make me happy for the period of time they are in my head. And so these songs, the titles and their sentiments wont upset me because that's not what popular culture is all about. Disposable, fluffy, hypodermic needle, positive, uplifting popular culture. I feel better knowing that it's there, bugger the message.

Thinking of you.

Continental drift, if you catch my drift

Something bad happened in the world today and I'm really angry about it. Everyone else is to blame but not me. I am so angry that someone could have let something like that happen. Ohhh the world is nasty and horrible and I'm going to vent my spleen on the internet whilst hoping that whoever is responsible (and it could never be me, oh no) is hanged/castrated/tarred and feathered though of course that's too good for them and in my day it wouldn't have happened because we all had guns that feared god and isn't it bad that only immigrants and left-wingers seem to be happy which is exactly why the rest of everyone needs to have guns to keep their numbers down and if we don't they'll be putting bromide in our water and scratching us of the electoral register just like they did under Stalin and it could happen to you because I saw it on the news when they were going on about that bad thing that happened four thousand miles away. Oh yes, the world is a nasty place which is why I'm going to sit in front of my computer and warn everyone to stay in front of their computers and listen only to me because then they wont have to be taken in by the bad thing that happened in the world today.
Perhaps they'll want to know how rubbish my life is and what I'm doing to prevent it getting better.

flkere flkicr flickr fkcdwer or whatever the bloody thing is called

Anyway, whatever the name of that photography website, I'm scared to put any picutres up there because so many are so good. Funnily enough, I've never suffered the same complex on here. Although that's probably because I can't understand the language of most of them and the rest are all spam style business things. Alternatively see commentary on blogs from yesterday (scroll down kid, there's more of this rubbish, lots more).
The point being:
I don't know. However there were some picture of the place where I live and I thought I'd steal them (cough, cough) to put them up here.

They look relatively half decent in the darkness. When I come to sell, I think I might use these pictures.

And for good measure I also stole one of the Woolwich Free Ferry which I continue to have an unhealthy obsession for (don't worry, I don't write down the number of the boat like those train freaks. Mind you there are only three boats so spotting them is slightly easier).
It's a lot smaller than the others. I haven't worked out why yet. I haven't tried to be bothered about even think about working out why yet.


*edited note to self - will of course credit the photographers once I've stopped slapping myself on the wrist and found them again on flicdfskr. Sorry guys.

Join Us

I’m starting a campaign. I hope that people will join me. I want London to be retaken by Londoners. The only people that go to the centre of town these days are tourists, day-trippers, sightseers. Londoners don’t go to town anymore except to pass out in the pubs and clubs. The centre of town is somewhere Londoners go to be seen rather than to see.
Londoners are creature of habits. I have trouble getting friends from one part of town to meet up in another unless it’s Covent Garden or Leicester Square or somewhere else where a pint of beer costs nearer four pounds than three. London has developed cities within cities.
I mention all this to John who suggests that a snappy name is required for my campaign. “What you could do is persuade all chefs, food vendors and other purveyors of consumable goods that they should not sell to tourists.” If I was totally unable to see his irony, it became evident once he spreads his arms and announces to all and sundry that the inaugural meeting of the Campaign to Under Nourish Tourists is about to commence.
“But I stand by my original point.”
“Which was what?” asks John. “That there are too many tourists in London, that locals don’t go to the touristy areas?”
“That is how it would exist in its simplest form. I’m not planning a campaign of terrorism, all I want people to do is to make more of the place that they live in.”
I have these ideas from time to time, they seem to make perfect sense to me. It is only when I try to communicate them to other people that they begin to suffer from a lack of common sense. Like every other former student in history, I was in a college band for three weeks during which time I tried to persuade my fellow band members that they ought to play a song I’d written. Sadly, the song proceeded to sound like the theme tune from the Magic Roundabout as opposed to the radical tune bursting with vitality that lingered inside my head. I should be able to communicate my ideas more clearly being a teacher, but I suppose it is easier to impress my brain than anyone else.
Still thinking about my services to the tourist industry, John looks at me with a combination of sympathy and pity across the tops of two beers.

Is it Thursday yet?

Move along. There is no reason behind posting this up here other than it reminds me of the Ashes (he he he) and of the greatest sportsman of the age (he's on the right people, keep will you?) and I wanted to make sure I had it available somewhere for personal use and not for reproduction for financial gain (will that keep the lawyers away?)

The name of this title is

Advance notice that the smooth and seemless transition from one title to another will be completed tomorrow for although the web address will remain, the title at the top of the page will be The Furrowed Brow until such a time as I decide to change it back. Which will probably be Friday. Unless there's football on tv. In which case it will be Monday. Unless there's football on tv. In which case...

The most interesting things about this blog are the titles

And possibly the really bad grammar.
No, it's the titles. I think.
You can tell a lot about the titles of blogs. You can tell whether or not someone feels the needs to celebrate their religion or their sexuality or their religious sexuality or their sexuality through religion. You can tell if they're a crypto feminist quasi autonomous knitwear specialist cross-stitching obsessive compulsive punning muscle bound freak with a penchant for weird South Korean porn (as opposed to the normal kind?). You can tell if they're a wannabe poet (the worst kind) or a lifestyle guru intent on advertising their talents and your inadequacies. It's easy to spot the angry young men and the slightly annoyed older persons. It's even easier to spot the political types, the opinionated, the people so disturbed by what other people do that can't possibly live their lives without resorting to beta-blockers and suicidal tendencies.
And where do I fit in? Who gives a toss. After all, it's great fun just looking at what is the greatest (there I go again) freak show on earth. It's even more fun to be a part of it.

Here's a first!

A blog that doesn't like George Bush. There are so many on here that revolve around the concept of 'oooh, he is a really bad man'.
Shocker.
Here's a cartoon by Steve Bell of The Guardian about last year's State of the Nation/Union/Whatever address which sums up everything for me.

Check out the Guardian's superb website which updates their cartoons on a regular basis. And if I ever spout political opinions on here again remind me of my hypocracy before listening to what I say because I will be right, oh yes, I always am.

This could be the saddest dusk ever seen

Without wishing to take Wordsworth’s London as the template for this (Richard Ashcroft tried it once, wasn’t totally unsuccessful either), I wandered around London a couple of days ago. I was up in the City to meet a couple of friends for lunch. And I’m specifically referring to the area between the Bank of England and Jewry Street (think Tower Hill tube and you’re about right). Lunch was fine but just walking around, not having worked in the area since the summer of 1992, I struggled to catch up on fourteen years of changes. I like the area though. Mostly because it contains some of the most straightforward and the most adventurous architecture around, not all of it good. Also, the street names are worth investigating although I don’t intend to do that here. No, I was depressed by what I saw throughout the whole day, a sure sign of aging and way too much pointless introspection. Using whatever definition of sad you deem appropriate, here are the saddest things that crossed my mind that day.

1) Groups of boys drinking beer at train stations.

2) People who take soap operas as their primary cultural reference point.
3) London streets where every fifth building is a coffee shop.
4) Groups of men drinking beer at train stations.
5) City gents who walked four abreast along the pavement and expect you to get out of the way and are annoyed when you dare to stand your ground or question their parentage.
6) Men who wear way too much aftershave.
7) London streets where every first and fourth building has a food shop, especially those with one word names like food, eat, snack, snak, and especially Benjys. Time was when Benjys was a pile ‘em, knock ‘em out cheap, turn a deaf ear to complaints shop much loved by those who didn’t earn much. Know they seem to have added themselves to the list of shops that get in everywhere. I walked past twenty plus in the Square Mile alone. They have extended their reach to Woolwich for goodness sake. And the high street (Powis Street in case you care) here is stuffed full of Poundland and mobile phone shops.
8) How sad HMS Belfast looks these days. Seriously, have a look from London Bridge. It’s time for an old fashioned scuttling
9) Men drinking beer at train stations on their own. But then as the Echo and the Bunnymen reunion reminded us all, nothing ever lasts forever.
10) Tourists. No, really. I’ll write some more on this later but it’s a subject close to my heart.
11) And what the hell happened to the Three Tuns on Jewry Street? A truly awful pub but one I went to a lot so to see there has been the now traditional change of name with plenty of painted on chalk writing for the menus is pretty dispiriting.
12) People who write lists.
13) Shit.

Introspection ahoy

Because it is only two weeks until I go back to work for the first time since October 3rd. That's a little scary if you ask me (and for the sake of argument I will assume that you did). Six months plus. I have an application form for another job but lack the get up and go to complete it for all the reasons outlined on the fourth of April. I have no intention of going over them again.
However I did find myself actually looking forward to work for the first time in goodness knows how long. And even September. Yes, even thinking about staying for the first time since I joined.
This is the longest time I've spent in my new (ish) flat in a comparative state of health. And I kind of like it. And I kind of want to live here a little longer. And if I kind of have to put up with a crappy work place (but good money) for a little bit longer then so be it. I need to give myself a chance to prove that I can turn up day after day after day after day after day. How many days is that? And maybe save some money. Ah yes, the green, blue, brown and red eyed monster rears its ugly head (the green is in there for our American cousins and for those pining for the old pound notes). Even a few months in its thrall with help compensate for the time spent resting and recovering.
And it's nearly May for goodness sake. School's out at the end of July (ish). Most of my time tabled classes will sod off before then so I can use the time to make September as easy as possible.
I don't like the way my brain is working at the moment. I need more fear to motivate me. But I'm in danger of turning into that Liam Neeson character from Batman Begins so I'll leave it will an ellipse...

Blog Fraud

Or, The Ego Has Landed.
211 visitors. Yeah, right. I reckon 10 at most. The bloody counter has turned into the equivalent of the light in the fridge. If I close the door, is it off? If I sneak a peak at the counter will it have lept up by thirty, forty, fifty? Now, only one and that'll be me checking to see if the counter has lept up by thirty, forty, fifty.
Once it reaches three hundred I'm expecting my computer to disappear in a fit of pique only to resurface in Brazil having had an op to become a transsexual piano player in a modern jazz Rolling Stones tribute band.

Just watching

Hitchhikers Guide (etc) on DVD.
Like a total prude and the kind of idiot I abhor, loathe, detest etc I feel the need to complain about the absence of the following lines. Please note that the accuracy of memory may mean I'm slightly out on the word front, thank god.

"I feel like a military academy. Bits of me keep passing out."

"It's at times like this I wish I'd listened to the things my mother told me."
"Why, what did she say?"
"I don't know. I didn't listen."

Right. I promise I'll never do that again.

You've got to sin to be saved

Blast from the past phones from the blue. Make sense? Hope not. It's the second time the same from blast from the past has phoned in a week. This is an important sign. It shows she's either drunk or expecting our friendship to kick off again. And weirdly, as good as the first call was (and long), the shorter second call was more fulfilling because we were able to talk rather than simply exhange news of the last few years.
Red sky at night. And it is a kind of red, either that or my contact lenses are playing up. A stormy sky tonight. And yes, the title is current best song for the next fifteen minutes.
I'm pleased my blast from the past is in the present again. I've been catching up with some of the blasts from the past I let slip recently for reasons hinted at in the multitude of self-conscious posts below. But this is one of the two blast I most wanted to update tense for.
So welcome back. And the next call will be mine. And then, my blast, we will be well and truly on the way to the future. (Pretentious ending arrived at, shall now publish and give myself a group hug)

Weight a second

In order to kill time whilst low clouds trundle up the Thames blurring everything and rain thumps on the windows I've been looking at some old photographs. I dug out some pictures from the sponsored walk I did in support of Leukaemia Research (as briefly alluded to in the Geoff Thomas post a couple of days ago).
Now, I'm not exactly slim. And I have lost 9.5 kilos (one and a half stones) since 1st February. But looking at the pictures makes me think that I was ill for a long time before I finally fell ill (if you see what I mean). I look unhealthy.
The pictures were taken a year ago and I may post them up at a later date (or when I've lost even more weight, another two stones will do). It makes me wonder how much excess fluid I was carrying around even then.
You know that when you look for the signs with hindsight you can see too many. But everything I see and remember screams at me that I've been killing myself for too long now. I was ill before the walk. The walk didn't help. Then moving and the curse of flat pack furniture (why didn't I buy the divan!) and the stress of a new job. Blah, blah, blah, self-pity, voyage of discovery, self-help and so on and so forth.
I'll now dig out some photos from 2002 and the Australia/New Zealand trip and compare me to the 2005 version.
Ah, vanity at the age of 33.

And as if to prove the point...

My brain is now full of Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine and their classic Twenty Four Minutes From Tulse Hill. Didn't put a timer on it though.
This is why pop is so great (he he he). It's the pick, consume, dispose invention that rules the world. Now if only modern day pop "stars" could earn enough money to buy some clothes to wear then the whole thing could move slowly ever onwards once more. I'd better go to bed before I start thinking about Sarah Cracknell.
Too late.

And for those of you listening in black and white...

I feel obliged to point out that the previous post is not a poem in any way, shape or form. It's just late night ramblings. And I also feel obliged to point out that for the next fifteen minutes, the best pop song ever written is Depeche Mode's Just Can't Get Enough. You know, the single from the very early 1980s with the black and white photograph of the cute little cat on the cover. But that's beside the point. Fifteen minutes should be about right as it's the same length of time that I was convinced that This Is Not A Song by the Frank and Walters was the greatest ever. Before that Michael Caine by Madness. Fifteen minutes is about long enough for pop music. Then you can return to it fifteen or twenty or twenty five years later and suddenly it's the greatest song all over again.

So Tony, what do you think of your Frosties?

What a great save.
That's a great result.
What a great film.
We had a great time.
Well, that's just great.
Alexander the Great.
I predict great things for him.
That was a great meal.
What a great haircut.

I love it when people say things like that.

Geoff Thomas

Tonight, last night, Thursday night was a bit special. Even if you don't know who Geoff Thomas is or what on earth (or where) Crytstal Palace Football Club is, you'll have heard of leukaemia. And if I told you that Geoff Thomas is one of my personal heroes then of course it's a little sad and fitting the one dimensional male profile that he is a footballer and Crystal Palace are my team and he was the captain in our most successful period, the one in which I fell in love with the game. Yeah, I know how sad it sounds and I've stopped caring. And when Geoff (see, I call him by his first name) was diagnosed with leukaemia it really meant something. It's part of the aging process I suppose and short of having a close relative or friend die, having a hero fall seriously ill is something to come to terms with. Anyway, Geoff got very ill and is getting better all the time (look at www.geoff-thomas.com and give a little something please) and I am proud that last April a colleague and I raised a decent sum for his campaign. And I am proud that I went to his testimonial tonight/last night/Thursday.
(Geoff Thomas, right, meeting his old manager and team mates)
Sporting heroes don't always grow old gracefully in the way that actors, musicans etc can. But it sometimes helps to be reminded of why they're your heroes. Geoff's charity work is entirely consistent with his on-field determination from days gone by. Mark Bright, Ian Wright, John Salako, Richard Shaw, Phil Barber, Dave Madden and co were all important to me once and seeing them come together for something like this reminded why. I could bang on about how football has changed for the worse, how fantastic these players were and so on but each generation is different. I will always think back to these people when thinking about heroes and when I think about my own illness (see, I had to make this about me) I will always be inspired by Geoff.

But I'll also be inspired by those close to me. Around the time I, unknowingly, started my descent towards heart failure, two friends, Logan and Sam were taking part in the British Heart Foundation's London to Brighton cycle ride. I will always consider acts like this to be of the utmost importance. And although I'm not going to start a foundation or take part in massive events, I am going to take the time to consider how to make my life better, perhaps really going for the weight loss to take the pressure off the heart rather than the half-hearted (sorry) and limp efforts I'm making at the moment. When I'm back in action properly I will take the time to consider what I can do to help those around me, even if in small ways. I have no intention of ever applying for hero status, simply alive will do.
(Mark Bright. Legend. Fact.)
Thank you Geoff. You gave me such pleasure in the late eighties and early nineties. I fondly wish we had won the 1990 FA Cup Final against Man Utd. But you really gave me and my brother something special then. And tonight/last night/ Thursday you allowed me and my friends to come together and discuss an event that we were all involved in and our parts in it, even though we didn't know each other at the time. It's great to be a one-dimensional male every so often. And Geoff, I thank you for reminding me of that.
(Geoff Thomas and Bryan Robson before the start of the 1990 FA Cup Final, the game we came together to re-create in south London tonight, last night, Thursday).

(And thank you to Paul Wright of www.cpfc.org as the first three photographs are his (well, maybe not the first one and as of Friday morning not the second either which is a blatant steal from the current bun) and I haven't even attempted to get permission. Sorry and thanks)

It's all lies

In case I know you, thanks for taking the time to come along. After the last post I thought I'd rally three or four of the troops. Friends that is. Read the previous post. It's a good job I can't sleep tonight anyway.
I've become obsessed with the hit counter/hits counter so much so that the small number of friends have been requested to boost it. The sheer vanity.
But it's ok because none of them have been mentioned. In fact hardly any one has been mentioned. Curious.
Cue deep analysis and bouts of tortured self-awareness.
Or, cue various methods of sleep inducement.
Think I'll try the second, after all if I don't my entire life story will be on here by morning.
And no one would be happy about that.
Someone remind me to let you know about my favourite sleep inducing thing. But not just yet. I need to see if it will work tonight first.

Yeah! Two already.

Gosh. Hit counter inserted. Mind you, I have no idea about that link beneath it. Sneaky hit counter people. Will have to try to get that moved. Anyway. Two and counting. Check back in sometime around 2009 to see if I've gone past 8.
If only I told my friends about this site. But then I might not write the crap I do if I thought that anyone might read it.

Insert cliche about London buses here

Thinking about getting a hit counter just to see how long I can keep it below 10. Or would it be too depressing to keep pasting these little daubs up if no one sees them. Tree, forest, no one, fall, sound? etc. Perhaps it means this, what do they call it, a blog? Really? Perhaps it means this blog doesn't exist. A blog? What is that? Slang for constipation?
Sorry about that. For a moment I turned into a comedian from the 1970s trying out new material at a holiday camp in the north-east.
Where was I?
By the way, as has almost certainly been pointed out by 27,352 people, the spell checker on this thing doesn't recognise the word blog.
Moving on.
Do you like the view (look at the pictures below dummy)? I do. But it's time to move on (in literal and metaphorical senses).
Perhaps it's time to try to reach out into other areas. Change. And not the small kind (apologies, it's a bad gag and it's stolen, I am a puddle). Why am I telling you this? Who cares? But it's out there now. I think I know the job I want. They're advertising. I have the qualifications and the experience. But it's a case of persuading them that, aged 33, the reason I have spent the last six months off work is consigned to the last six months. It's a case of persuading them that my heart condition (or failure as we like to call it) is not going to cause me to take more time off work.
"Of course, I could be dead in five years."
"That's good, we don't like our staff to become stale. It's a severe form of moving on but it fits in with our corporate plan."
Getting to interview will be tough enough. Leaving my current "job" will be easy. The only reason to stay is the money. And before any of you non-existent readers remark on the six months off thing and how nice they've been need to understand how horrible they were before the six months thing and how they had no choice due to being a public sector employer and there being rules about that kind of thing.
But I will have this condition for life. I do not know how long that life will be. I owe it to myself to make that life as decent as possible and my current job will not allow for that.
So I'll have to sell the flat. First I'll have to clean the flat. Or more specifically, the carpet. Or even more specifically, pay someone else to clean the carpet.
Whatever happens, the view is temporary for me. I know that now. Sure, it looks pretty permanent but I found an old picture of me with my brother and my dad taken in the very early eighties in Greenwich Park and none of the buildings the sun is setting behind were there then. So perhaps all views are temporary.
And on that philosophical note...

New Years Resolution

And yes, I know it's April.
And yes, I know I'm talking to myself.
And I am certainly aware that these posts are appearing in badly spaced out batches of at least two.
So, this year (and from now on in fact) I am going to have fewer opinions.
Because there are too many opinions in this world and so many of them are negative and based upon quick emotional reaction rather than rational thought. And so many of these opinions are about things that are based upon the lives of others that otherwise would have nothing to do with anyone else. More information does not mean better information.
And yes I am aware that most of this is opinion and thus I have negated my own resolution. But then it is April so that's better than most people.
And yes, I am already in the process of getting my coat.

Er

Hello? Is this thing on?

The ipod knows...

Everytime I walk to the station from the flat my ipod shuffle plays Bowie's Heroes.
When I'm on the train approaching London Bridge it, without fail, plays The Bitterest Pill by The Jam.
The ipod knows...

How to spot signs of aging

If you like the Arctic Monkeys you are young.
If you like the Arctic Monkeys but they remind you of Ian Dury and the Blockheads then you are old.
I'm getting old.

And while I'm not on the subject

I have one plant in the flat, a lilly. It has dandruff.
One of my best friends is pregnant and quite possibly giving birth right now (avoided the temptation to used the word 'dropping', very mature me) and I'm due to be an uncle in May.
When I think about the possibility of having my own family I take the view that I shouldn't be allowed to bring up a child when I can't even look after a house plant.

The power of positive thought

Go for a walk I thought. Get the train up from London I thought. Stroll up to the Political Cartoons Gallery on Store Street from Charing Cross I thought. Pop into the British Museum on the way I thought. I can't be bothered I thought when I passed the museum by. I'll take the long way round, the wrong way round to Store Street I thought.
I know you I thought. I used to teach you I thought. You used to be my form tutor she said. How are you? I replied.
I could have been inside the British Museum looking at lumps of metal. Instead I found an ex-student of mine who is about to pass her first year at medical school. That sounds good I thought. Another one of your ex-students is working in a pub on Tottenham Court Road she said. That sounds very good I thought. And off I went to visit his beard.
And so, having strayed north of the river (I feel dirty) and been thinking about old times, about happier and healthier days, there they were on Montague Street, WC1, twenty five miles from their origin.
On the down side, I managed to walk past the gallery twice without having the balls to go inside. Both times it was empty. Both times I worried about being thrown out or laughed at. I'll go back. Honest. Anyway, it'll give me another chance to wander up Montague Street and Tottenham Court Road.
Hey, go see it yourself, it looks interesting from the outside: http://www.politicalcartoon.co.uk/html/gallery.html
I wont mention the name of the pub though...

Oh lord. I can't believe he thinks he can write fiction. (Part One)

20 things you need to know if ever you find yourself in south London


One. The Battersea Children’s Zoo does not have any children in cages. They roam wild.
Two. We don’t have parks. We have commons. There are twelve in total. North London has marshes, heaths and flats. Commons are much better for meeting people. Sometimes these people get along so well they rush straight off into the bushes to have sex.
Three. No one really speaks in that weird accent, you know, cockney with attitude. We put it on when you’re in town. Jenna speaks a bit like that though. She’s not from round here.
Four. South Londoners can’t count. And we’re not very good at keeping time either.
Five. Ok, we do have parks. But a couple of the bigger ones, Richmond and Greenwich, are royal parks so they don’t count. I was meant to meet Jenna in Greenwich Park last month. On One Tree Hill. Except I was waiting at the top of the wrong hill.
Six. One Tree Hill in Greenwich Park has a lot of trees on it. It’s very confusing. And it makes it hard to see if anyone is there. I never understood why we couldn’t meet at the gate or in a bar. Jenna says I’m unromantic. It’s not true. I was just lost. And late.
Seven. When the World Cup was stolen in 1966 it was found near my grandma’s house. No charges were ever brought against her. I took Jenna to see my grandma. It went horribly wrong. My grandma thought we were engaged. Jenna thought it meant we were getting engaged. I thought I was getting a decent home cooked meal. Turns out we were all wrong.
Eight. I thought our anniversary was on the fifth. That’s why I was a week late giving Jenna her present. It turns out there’s a whole week’s worth of Jenna I am not aware of and will never get back.
Nine. Not many tube lines come south of the river. That’s why Jenna was mad when I wanted her to move in with me. She says my place is hard to get to. She should try the Falkland Islands. She acted as though I asked her to live on the moon. But I like it here. Why should I move?
Ten. I once spoke to god on the 249 bus between Crystal Palace and Balham. It turns out his name is Brian and he works for the local council assessing social security claims. He told me that life is pretty good as long as you compromise. I told him that Jenna wanted me to compromise about where I lived and god replied that I should, “dump the bitch because she knows nothing.” I took it as a sign.
Eleven. There is no Crystal Palace in Crystal Palace anymore. It burned down. If I was a little piggy that would confuse me. “So if I build it with glass the wolf can’t blow it over but he can burn it?” Jenna thinks I spend too much time worrying about whether or not my house is going to be attacked by wild animals.
Twelve. There are tourist attractions on this side of the Thames. The Globe Theatre, Kew Gardens, Tate Modern, the London Eye. But they hug the river so it hardly feels very south. Jenna thinks I should call off my boycott of tourist attractions north of the river. God thought I was being proactive. Jenna says that she is a non-believer and that even if god does exist he’s more likely to have a chauffeur.
Thirteen. South London is the fried chicken capital of Europe. Jenna says Dallas Fried Chicken is an inappropriate venue for eating out despite the fact that they have loads of those little tissues you wipe your fingers with so that they smell of lemon for three minutes.
Fourteen. South Londoners have no patience.
Fifteen. Clapham Junction is the busiest train station in the world ever. I think. It’s also the place where I left Jenna waiting for forty-five minutes. Apparently in that time we missed three trains and a strange man asked her to go water-skiing with him or something like that.
Sixteen. Jenna has been angry with me for some time now.
Seventeen. I miss her.
Eighteen. Are you still here? Ok, twenty was a bit optimistic.
Nineteen. Look, we’re not together anymore. Is that what you wanted to know?
Twenty. I’m not sure that god was right. I’ll tell him when I see him next.

Sometimes you've just got to move on

Key songs: Heart Failed In The Back Of A Taxi by Saint Etienne.
And why? I hear the overwhelming silence announce from absolutely no where. Er, good questions. Eight months on and another pointless post that no one will read.
Brief update: I nearly died in October after being ill for most of August and September without being bothered to do anything about it. Now being lazy is one thing. Being lazy and nearly dying as a result is another. So, near death. Some great Christian experience to boost the old faith system? Well no, it's about as non-faith related as it gets. There is no great white light, no corridor sending you forward, no big guy with the white beard. Face it folks, this is it. So, heart failure at thirty-three and I'm trying to get back on track.
Sort your own life out, don't wait for anyone else to do it.
You have the answers. Or in this case me.
Except I don't.
Next question?
At this point, imagine your own rant - this product is rubbish, no one cares, the government are stealing from me, everything is awful, the neighbours are too loud and so on. Then write is down and throw it in the bin.
Tips on surviving death? Don't rage against the dying of the light. See a doctor. But lets face it, sometimes you've just got to move on.